Baupal Park Farm My Organic Odyssey

 

 

31 July 2017

Time to come clean. Yes its time to have that conversation. You know the one that Í have avoided for over a decade. Because the avoidance is apparently the classic symptom. PTSD. I began this blog in April, the day I discharged from the Australian Army. I had been serving for nearly 10 years, and previously with the British Army for 15 years. How do you readjust into a civilian life after that?

Time to admit the failures, the pain, the bad dreams and the alcohol. Its all part of the way the brain avoids the truth, avoids coming to terms with the trauma. I recognise this now. Understanding this has taken over 12 years to accept.

I used to say "I'm ok, I'll be alright, I'll get through this...I DONT NEED HELP"...what a joke.

So I was discharged with a mental illness. Spent last 4 months settling down into some sort of routine, living on a farm, as the caretaker here. So far all is going well..as you most probably have read through previous two posted entries. The distraction I have felt from my mind to write those posts has been very settling...until the date for the course I must attend began to loom closer and CLOSER.

I start the PTSD course on 9 Aug 2017. Am I scared?? Shit yes. Will I cope?? No freaking idea.


3 Aug 2017

I planned to update this blog last night upon return from the induction day for the course. D-Day of 9 Aug is looming and yesterdays trip down to the Hospital where course is to be held, had me anxious most of day before and all of journey there. All I could do day before was work like a Trojan on farm to keep busy. Well at least I got plenty done.

At 7.30am I set off with my trusted companion Rex...a trip in the car anywhere is exciting for him. Little did he know what or where we were going to attempt. I was so tired upon return, bed was all I could think of. My mind was brain - farrrrrked.

I had never been one for acknowledging road rage behaviour, but have noticed over last 3 months as my own anger built (as a PTSD symptom) I was becoming more and more intolerant of bad driving moves and behaviour on the roads. To have a driver cut me off just as I exited motorway for the clinic, tipped me close to the edge, and almost made me chase them down for a face to face confrontation. But I didn't, thank God. Self knowledge now of that behaviour reaction in myself stopped me reacting adversely. "Just get to the course Kate , your running late", the voice of reason had spoken.

It was not a good start to the program. Arriving late, flustered and anxious, (all new experiences give me a heightened anxiety of fight or flight), I entered the counselling room with over 15 others already seated. SHIT. Come on mum - you can do this - don't panic.

By sitting with my back to the wall and Rex directly in front of me, I just wanted to dissolve into the floor and disappear. To become invisible and have no one look at me or Rex. Which of course was not possible, and only made me more anxious. The clock ticked on and the speaker was calm and methodical - obviously but that's his job, please relax mum! -  but I just couldn't. The tears began. My head was hot and pounding, chest tight and breathing was difficult and short. Why is everyone looking at me? Judging me? No they are not mum - everything will be ok.
Rex was whimpering now too. The room was dangerous - I NEED TO GET OUT.

Within less than 10 minutes I knew I had to leave and with Rex in a much agitated state I left to weep outside.

So why am I telling you all this? Its to try and explain the symptoms of PTSD from the standpoint of someone with them as they happen. I am not going mad - as I insert a comment from a dogs perspective into this narrative - just want to keep it light and readable while I give you all an experience of what its like to be in the head of someone with PTSD. Frankly its hard to put into words, which is why I must do this a it happens - the next day once I have calmed down and can reflect back on what happened and why. And yes Rex does play a vital role in all of this too.

Out of the counselling room I took respite in the canteen area, with a small airy out door patio area. It was cool and quiet. Deep breathing and stroking Rex occupied my mind for the next 40 minutes or so. It took that long to begin to feel calm again, and apply some mindful strategies to cope with rest of the morning. I realise now though, that my anxiety attack was a delayed reaction due to the road rage incident only 30 minutes before and the coupled notion of a new experience. Not a good start to the day. Just stroke the dog and breath. Everything will be alright.

Yes mum , just there, over a bit, Ahhhhhh....

Ok enough of all that.

The progress on the farm has ramped up quite a bit - or should I say the work here has. Work that is only through my introduction of using organic practices with Korean Natural Farming techniques. But they are working and it is exciting to see the stages progressing. I am now up to IMO 5 which was transferred into a large planter box - a thoroughly well mixed IMO 4 and animal manure, which had been well dried out in sun. The use of that other newer toy 'OZITO' (aka cement mixer), got a solid work out too. Perfect to mix the two batches together. Now its got to brew again for 7-10 days and then it will get added into a batch of macadamia husk (2 tonne actually), that has been saved and decomposing for last 2-3 months. This will then become the basis of mulch for the trees.



IMO 4 in action



And a finished IMO 5 soon to get added to nut husk waste of 2 tonne



It's a bit like the chicken and the egg. Do you prune first, irrigate first or mulch first?? I need to clone myself - or get help - as with spring blossom on trees I need all three done simultaneously.

Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken. Oh for Gods sake dog. Woof ha-ha!

Time for a coffee break.

5 Aug 2017

Its Saturday. Should I sleep in? Should I go out? Or should I just get stuck into the irrigation system which needs overhauling? Walking the lines and fixing each sprinkler is what I must do. Each one is a small rotating unit that needs to be cleaned and reset onto the line. It will take me all weekend to do the lower orchard, and no doubt his Lordship Labrador will supervise my work. Licking the lines that are leaking. As spring begins to unfold upon us here on the farm, I am seeing a mountain of work ahead of me. Cleaning out the sprinklers is another yucky task - sucking out the ants! Yuk.

Next week will see a very testing three days on the PTSD course. I have arranged for Rex to come with me on one day; each Wednesday, to ease him in slowly to the actual exposure to so many anxious people in one room. Maybe that was also what upset him last week. The smell of anxiety in a hot room. Poor beggar. He did well though, better than me.