10 Aug 2017
Life's a bitch - and then your told you have PTSD.
Its the end of week 1. Eleven more weeks to go. Three days a week. Sounds easy enough hey?
Day 1 - blah... blah... blah....non-judgemental unconditional positive regard....thank f@#$k for that.
Day 2 - And we have a tearful meltdown and anger outburst at staff. Mmmmm so what did I learn from that? I actually have issues with authority figures! I feel threatened and unsafe in closed small rooms! And I have major trust problems - well there's a big surprise, and I am not saying that in a sarcastic tone, just that I never understood that concept before. That night I had a nightmare about authority figures.
I think we might learn something here.
Day 3 - Better. I apologised to the staff member. That felt good. I looked back on anger from day before and sore the way it made my body react. Scary, hot, sweaty, dry mouth, tight chest, uncontrollable tears. Thoughts screaming around my head trying to get out of mouth but can't. Group discussed the anger shit. Lots of anxiety all morning - just breath, just breath.
So where was Rex????
Well this is the problem - he just cant settle in the room, and he breathes like a bloody steam train!
So I have to put him into the courtyard area off the canteen during the sessions, and am allowed to go to him at any time if I need to. It's a test and adjust scenario, and as he is still so young its hard for him to adjust as well..........ya just gotta chill out mum......
So end of week 1 and what have I learnt?
...........finally....I feel safe.
So today its back to farming and am quite excited to be going to spray this evening once sun drops at about 4:45pm. This spray is quite important as it will be the test for the KNF products here. WCA(water soluble calcium) at 2 litres, liquid fertiliser, Kelp and Fermented Fish. The orchard will be so smelly with rotting tuna no pests will want to live in it! Well that's the theory behind it. And another bonus is that even the Cockatoos hate the smell! Poor Rex, sorry mate. OMG yuk.
12 Aug 2017
The long hairy legs where just poking over the shower wall. Only three, but I knew it had eight. I waited, .... and waited. I gingerly finished my shower while keeping a close eye on where the other five legs where. As a child I had an absolute terror of spiders, not helped by the efforts of my father spooking me when I was eight years old, but with living in Australia, it is one major thing all children are taught to accept. Spiders where here first; leave them alone and they will leave you alone.
So it moved slowly down the shower wall, (but I moved twice as fast out of shower recess). With a span like my hand creeping down the wall, I watched from a safe distance and let it go, down the drain. Yes my shower plughole has a broken filter on it, so Mr. Spider must be enjoying a drink down there somewhere. Great. Oh well he/she is keeping the flies under control. Oddly enough I haven't had any Hunstmen Spiders in cottage at all so far...so far.
Spiders in Iraq where a different matter all together. I had an clear uneasy memory of that while I was watching that Hunstmen in the shower. The type we had over there was the Camel Spider. Named for their ability to launch onto the legs of passing camels, bite with a necrotising venom, and feast away on the flesh as it decays......yes totally f@$#ing gross.
So these flesh eating spiders built a nest under our cabin at the camp where we were stationed...Yep spider nest under our cabin...you read that right. And it was there for 3 months before we found out.
Am shivering at the memory. Thanking my horoscope stars that they don't exist in Australia. But we have plenty other bities to live with here though. Huntsmen spiders are however, quite harmless.
To remember that memory while I watched that spider was something I just had to write down. Its all part of the journey...remember something, and recall it in writing so as to not actively avoid the memory. Interesting this stuff hey?! You see avoidance is a major symptom of PTSD. I never thought I'd be able to verbalise this to complete strangers, but maybe that's what actually helps. I don't know who is reading this, but it sure just helps to know someone is.
The physical symptoms of me recalling that memory were; increased heart rate, dry mouth and a mild chest pain - all symptoms of anxiety, my comorbid condition of PTSD. I will not let this defeat me.
Life's a bitch - and then your told you have PTSD.
Its the end of week 1. Eleven more weeks to go. Three days a week. Sounds easy enough hey?
Day 1 - blah... blah... blah....non-judgemental unconditional positive regard....thank f@#$k for that.
Day 2 - And we have a tearful meltdown and anger outburst at staff. Mmmmm so what did I learn from that? I actually have issues with authority figures! I feel threatened and unsafe in closed small rooms! And I have major trust problems - well there's a big surprise, and I am not saying that in a sarcastic tone, just that I never understood that concept before. That night I had a nightmare about authority figures.
I think we might learn something here.
Day 3 - Better. I apologised to the staff member. That felt good. I looked back on anger from day before and sore the way it made my body react. Scary, hot, sweaty, dry mouth, tight chest, uncontrollable tears. Thoughts screaming around my head trying to get out of mouth but can't. Group discussed the anger shit. Lots of anxiety all morning - just breath, just breath.
So where was Rex????
Well this is the problem - he just cant settle in the room, and he breathes like a bloody steam train!
So I have to put him into the courtyard area off the canteen during the sessions, and am allowed to go to him at any time if I need to. It's a test and adjust scenario, and as he is still so young its hard for him to adjust as well..........ya just gotta chill out mum......
So end of week 1 and what have I learnt?
- PTSD is a treatable condition.
- The course will help me cope with self criticism and shame; teach me how to be kind to myself with empathy and warmth.
- Identify what a chemical and behavioural addiction is. Yes I NEED alcohol - admit it.
- Help me with avoidance behaviours and how to overcome them.
- Stop the depression voice in my head saying "you wont get better".
- That my perfectionism behaviour is a coping strategy for feelings of inadequacy/depression.
- That my comorbid conditions are a very real part of my PTSD - 85% of women with PTSD have them.
- The terrorising traumatic memories I have DO NOT mean I am going mad, but are the hallmark feature of PTSD.
...........finally....I feel safe.
So today its back to farming and am quite excited to be going to spray this evening once sun drops at about 4:45pm. This spray is quite important as it will be the test for the KNF products here. WCA(water soluble calcium) at 2 litres, liquid fertiliser, Kelp and Fermented Fish. The orchard will be so smelly with rotting tuna no pests will want to live in it! Well that's the theory behind it. And another bonus is that even the Cockatoos hate the smell! Poor Rex, sorry mate. OMG yuk.
12 Aug 2017
The long hairy legs where just poking over the shower wall. Only three, but I knew it had eight. I waited, .... and waited. I gingerly finished my shower while keeping a close eye on where the other five legs where. As a child I had an absolute terror of spiders, not helped by the efforts of my father spooking me when I was eight years old, but with living in Australia, it is one major thing all children are taught to accept. Spiders where here first; leave them alone and they will leave you alone.
So it moved slowly down the shower wall, (but I moved twice as fast out of shower recess). With a span like my hand creeping down the wall, I watched from a safe distance and let it go, down the drain. Yes my shower plughole has a broken filter on it, so Mr. Spider must be enjoying a drink down there somewhere. Great. Oh well he/she is keeping the flies under control. Oddly enough I haven't had any Hunstmen Spiders in cottage at all so far...so far.
Spiders in Iraq where a different matter all together. I had an clear uneasy memory of that while I was watching that Hunstmen in the shower. The type we had over there was the Camel Spider. Named for their ability to launch onto the legs of passing camels, bite with a necrotising venom, and feast away on the flesh as it decays......yes totally f@$#ing gross.
So these flesh eating spiders built a nest under our cabin at the camp where we were stationed...Yep spider nest under our cabin...you read that right. And it was there for 3 months before we found out.
Am shivering at the memory. Thanking my horoscope stars that they don't exist in Australia. But we have plenty other bities to live with here though. Huntsmen spiders are however, quite harmless.
To remember that memory while I watched that spider was something I just had to write down. Its all part of the journey...remember something, and recall it in writing so as to not actively avoid the memory. Interesting this stuff hey?! You see avoidance is a major symptom of PTSD. I never thought I'd be able to verbalise this to complete strangers, but maybe that's what actually helps. I don't know who is reading this, but it sure just helps to know someone is.
The physical symptoms of me recalling that memory were; increased heart rate, dry mouth and a mild chest pain - all symptoms of anxiety, my comorbid condition of PTSD. I will not let this defeat me.
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