21 Sept 2017
'John Wayne' has arrived at the farm. John Wayne the rooster that is. Ceremoniously loaded into a cat box this afternoon and brought home to meet his ''girlies". He took no time at all to commence the "strutting'' technique. And what a beautiful strut he has. Filling out at least 4kg +, full of long glossy ebony green tail feathers and a brilliant mane of copper flecked gold, a very handsome boy. The girls took no time in shuffling up to say hello either! He is a Wyandotte breed, and here's hoping we get some more fertile eggs soon. Apparently the breed comes from North America and has brown eggs with a yellow skinned meat. My mouth is watering.
So why John Wayne? Come on - the strut says it all!
Its now about 7pm and evening insects are about. That lovely early summer evening feeling of crickets humming in a mildly muggy breeze. The night lights attract a huge variety onto the porch sliding screen door - always a good idea to close it too, before it gets dark! But I've become a lot more tolerant of them now, not trying to catch moths in a frenzied footloose dance anymore. And the reasoning behind this calmness is definitely down to the learning from the PTSD course.
Learning about anger for example. I didn't know this before but, people with PTSD are pretty much always in an ''amber'' zone for anger, ready to flip into the red at the slightest trigger. The flight or fight mechanism for us is set much higher and hovers under the fight/anger button. Its that anger that then acts to fracture relationships and this ( I've been told) is the quickest way to fall into clinical depression. So it was little surprise then to hear this today on the course, and hear the little leprechaun voice on my shoulder saying "see I told you so...", over and over again. And being in amber when you are in the military is even harder. Because you cant loose your temper as an officer, cant show your emotions. So they just build and build and build. Eventually the bottle has to pop.
Perceptions of anger are different for everyone. My raised voice is not shouting to me - that is my conditioning - military has taught me to shout - to enable orders to be heard. But to someone else it appears as shouting. And people with PTSD have a high level of believing people don't listen to them.......so we shout. So lets put this anger elephant on the coffee table please and talk about it.
Lets de-shame the elephant, and talk about it. Because if we don't, and keep those feelings bottled up, nothing gets processed properly, nothing is understood. I am not saying the veteran who uses anger as an excuse for hiding emotions should be permitted to do that, just that maybe there is a reason they are doing that. Time to tell that elephant to leave the room or join the discussion.
Something else I learnt today. Anger and irritability are in the same mental filing cabinet as fear. So when an intrusive memory make us fearful it's sitting next to the anger file - oops tharrr she blows.
When we get fearful - getting angry is coming up close behind. In PTSD it feels like the same thing.
So if a traumatic flashback memory makes us fearful?? Yep - we get angry.
Its not an excuse - its a defensive mechanism - designed to safe our life. But the problem with a flashback is the memory hasn't been processed (discussed / filed away in the brain) so we cant differentiate between the fear and the anger. Hope I am not loosing you all with this stuff, but for anyone suffering with PTSD, this is what is happening.
I suppose for the family members of those with PTSD being exposed to this anger, whether verbal or physical all I can say is, most of the time that person doesn't realise what is happening to them.
And what does the person with this anger/fear pain that's screaming around inside their heads do? Well many turn to substances to numb that mental pain (fear) like drugs and alcohol.
That's enough for this week - I need another drink.
'John Wayne' has arrived at the farm. John Wayne the rooster that is. Ceremoniously loaded into a cat box this afternoon and brought home to meet his ''girlies". He took no time at all to commence the "strutting'' technique. And what a beautiful strut he has. Filling out at least 4kg +, full of long glossy ebony green tail feathers and a brilliant mane of copper flecked gold, a very handsome boy. The girls took no time in shuffling up to say hello either! He is a Wyandotte breed, and here's hoping we get some more fertile eggs soon. Apparently the breed comes from North America and has brown eggs with a yellow skinned meat. My mouth is watering.
So why John Wayne? Come on - the strut says it all!
Its now about 7pm and evening insects are about. That lovely early summer evening feeling of crickets humming in a mildly muggy breeze. The night lights attract a huge variety onto the porch sliding screen door - always a good idea to close it too, before it gets dark! But I've become a lot more tolerant of them now, not trying to catch moths in a frenzied footloose dance anymore. And the reasoning behind this calmness is definitely down to the learning from the PTSD course.
Learning about anger for example. I didn't know this before but, people with PTSD are pretty much always in an ''amber'' zone for anger, ready to flip into the red at the slightest trigger. The flight or fight mechanism for us is set much higher and hovers under the fight/anger button. Its that anger that then acts to fracture relationships and this ( I've been told) is the quickest way to fall into clinical depression. So it was little surprise then to hear this today on the course, and hear the little leprechaun voice on my shoulder saying "see I told you so...", over and over again. And being in amber when you are in the military is even harder. Because you cant loose your temper as an officer, cant show your emotions. So they just build and build and build. Eventually the bottle has to pop.
Perceptions of anger are different for everyone. My raised voice is not shouting to me - that is my conditioning - military has taught me to shout - to enable orders to be heard. But to someone else it appears as shouting. And people with PTSD have a high level of believing people don't listen to them.......so we shout. So lets put this anger elephant on the coffee table please and talk about it.
Lets de-shame the elephant, and talk about it. Because if we don't, and keep those feelings bottled up, nothing gets processed properly, nothing is understood. I am not saying the veteran who uses anger as an excuse for hiding emotions should be permitted to do that, just that maybe there is a reason they are doing that. Time to tell that elephant to leave the room or join the discussion.
Something else I learnt today. Anger and irritability are in the same mental filing cabinet as fear. So when an intrusive memory make us fearful it's sitting next to the anger file - oops tharrr she blows.
When we get fearful - getting angry is coming up close behind. In PTSD it feels like the same thing.
So if a traumatic flashback memory makes us fearful?? Yep - we get angry.
Its not an excuse - its a defensive mechanism - designed to safe our life. But the problem with a flashback is the memory hasn't been processed (discussed / filed away in the brain) so we cant differentiate between the fear and the anger. Hope I am not loosing you all with this stuff, but for anyone suffering with PTSD, this is what is happening.
I suppose for the family members of those with PTSD being exposed to this anger, whether verbal or physical all I can say is, most of the time that person doesn't realise what is happening to them.
And what does the person with this anger/fear pain that's screaming around inside their heads do? Well many turn to substances to numb that mental pain (fear) like drugs and alcohol.
That's enough for this week - I need another drink.
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