29 Aril 2018
It was midnight. Rex!!!!! For GOD SAKE DOG - GO . TO. SLEEP!! For some reason he is being a right- royal pain in the arse, waking me to go out, at all hours. And then every morning he comes bouncing into the bedroom, sits on back legs and nuzzles his head next to me for a morning cuddle. How on earth can I be mad at that? But when I hear him outside barking in the middle of the night, I truly pity anyone or anything that tries to threaten or harm me or the farm. Its his security of my perimeter that makes me feel so safe here. So having him inside at night is small price to pay for that constant reassurance. Boundary safety...a theme that was prevalent at lot during the ptSd course I did last year (was it that long ago???) And how all the guys on course mentioned it: as a major symptom they struggled with. Checking the boundary - household security. So my locking doors, and rechecking again, and again is not abnormal behaviour. And thus having an overly protective Labrador (now snoring at 10am) is my saviour.
Anzac Day. Yes this was the week. And compared to last year things went relatively smoothly. I woke at 3:25am and was at the RSL by 4am. (Hah - no more sleeping for you dog.) Yes Rex came with me, and marched with me down the main street of Gympie; slept through the Civic Centre luncheon then collapsed back at home by 4pm. Hearing people applaud us as we marched down street at 10:30am was strange and soothing at same time. It felt pleasantly reassuring to be acknowledged by the community for active service...even so long ago (well only 14 years ago). So why feel so anxious about doing it in first place? Well that's the conundrum that is PTSD. It sounds so incomprehensible to explain symptoms to someone, especially when you look and appear outwardly to be coping so well. But people don't see or hear what's going on inside your head.....those shitty black moments when life was so dark and low...when you did actually want to end everything.
So meeting up with another ADF veteran on Anzac day, who had served in Afghanistan (I went to Iraq by the way) helped me enormously - because we talked openly together about the feelings of ptsD - the depression, the anxiety, the sleeplessness, the sweats, the drinking, (which I am very pleased to state is seriously better now) and the general feeling of loneliness. I must say that compared to 12 months ago, when I first started this blog, I am in a much better state. So what has happened to change that? Well weekly updates to all those readers out there to start with - I feel like I am talking to the world...no more secrets...no more hiding behind the pain...no more letting the pain rule my life. Being the resilient and stoic persona that I have always identified with, being honest with myself. Once that was established I felt capable of letting the pain go. Of not feeling ashamed of what I had to do when I was in Iraq. Of feeling actually proud of having been there and served.
All right enough of all that for one week. What's been happening here on the farm? Too much, as usual. Take this morning for example. Its Sunday. I've been up since 6:30 am and roasted 24 kg of egg shells in batches through kitchen oven, ground them in Kitchen Aid mix master, sorted over 40 kg of nuts by hand for insect damage, and now onto the blog. Then its out into the orchard to rake out nuts for collection and pruning out dead branches...just until about 2pm though.
Then earlier in the week we had tractor repairs to deal with....AGAIN! My mechanic arrived back on Saturday morning to finish off the last big job required to get the harvester operational again. But at least we are getting on with the next orchard preparations. The finger limes are to be planted out next week and the fences are coming down inside the farm boundary, with repairs being done to the perimeter fences as well (there's that boundary issue again). So rolls of excess barbed wire are being stacked up in storage for another day, with open paddocks exposed across the farm. This will make mowing so much easier and get all the weeds and Rats Tale grass under control. And its amazing how beautiful the paddocks (that's a large field for any non Australian reader) actually look once they are mown short. I cant wait to see them once they are green again, without piles of hay everywhere.
Goats. Are now just too cute for words. Every morning I go out to put them out to pasture, and every night I return to put them back into their pens, piled high with soft dry hay from all that mowing we have done. They actually come up to me now and nibble my fingers in the morning, before I take them out - and walk on their leads really steadily as well. Ever tried to walk a goat on a lead?
But the best job accomplished this week has to be getting the internet back up and running on my computer along with getting the drone repaired. (Yeah who says I'm not a Comms Duty Officer!)
Not to stop me communicating with the world - blogging via my phone app was my work around last weekend. (Hence why it had so many "emojees".) Thus my problem solving acumen is still there with being able to juggle repairs for tractor, harvester, drone, computer and brush cutter. Just another symptom issue of ptsd being addressed and managed - the ability to juggle multiple stressors.
So watch out Black Cockatoos - the drone is back in action!!! Maybe we can take some live footage of chasing them out of orchard for next week! Hell yeah! Bring that one on!
It was midnight. Rex!!!!! For GOD SAKE DOG - GO . TO. SLEEP!! For some reason he is being a right- royal pain in the arse, waking me to go out, at all hours. And then every morning he comes bouncing into the bedroom, sits on back legs and nuzzles his head next to me for a morning cuddle. How on earth can I be mad at that? But when I hear him outside barking in the middle of the night, I truly pity anyone or anything that tries to threaten or harm me or the farm. Its his security of my perimeter that makes me feel so safe here. So having him inside at night is small price to pay for that constant reassurance. Boundary safety...a theme that was prevalent at lot during the ptSd course I did last year (was it that long ago???) And how all the guys on course mentioned it: as a major symptom they struggled with. Checking the boundary - household security. So my locking doors, and rechecking again, and again is not abnormal behaviour. And thus having an overly protective Labrador (now snoring at 10am) is my saviour.
Anzac Day. Yes this was the week. And compared to last year things went relatively smoothly. I woke at 3:25am and was at the RSL by 4am. (Hah - no more sleeping for you dog.) Yes Rex came with me, and marched with me down the main street of Gympie; slept through the Civic Centre luncheon then collapsed back at home by 4pm. Hearing people applaud us as we marched down street at 10:30am was strange and soothing at same time. It felt pleasantly reassuring to be acknowledged by the community for active service...even so long ago (well only 14 years ago). So why feel so anxious about doing it in first place? Well that's the conundrum that is PTSD. It sounds so incomprehensible to explain symptoms to someone, especially when you look and appear outwardly to be coping so well. But people don't see or hear what's going on inside your head.....those shitty black moments when life was so dark and low...when you did actually want to end everything.
So meeting up with another ADF veteran on Anzac day, who had served in Afghanistan (I went to Iraq by the way) helped me enormously - because we talked openly together about the feelings of ptsD - the depression, the anxiety, the sleeplessness, the sweats, the drinking, (which I am very pleased to state is seriously better now) and the general feeling of loneliness. I must say that compared to 12 months ago, when I first started this blog, I am in a much better state. So what has happened to change that? Well weekly updates to all those readers out there to start with - I feel like I am talking to the world...no more secrets...no more hiding behind the pain...no more letting the pain rule my life. Being the resilient and stoic persona that I have always identified with, being honest with myself. Once that was established I felt capable of letting the pain go. Of not feeling ashamed of what I had to do when I was in Iraq. Of feeling actually proud of having been there and served.
All right enough of all that for one week. What's been happening here on the farm? Too much, as usual. Take this morning for example. Its Sunday. I've been up since 6:30 am and roasted 24 kg of egg shells in batches through kitchen oven, ground them in Kitchen Aid mix master, sorted over 40 kg of nuts by hand for insect damage, and now onto the blog. Then its out into the orchard to rake out nuts for collection and pruning out dead branches...just until about 2pm though.
Then earlier in the week we had tractor repairs to deal with....AGAIN! My mechanic arrived back on Saturday morning to finish off the last big job required to get the harvester operational again. But at least we are getting on with the next orchard preparations. The finger limes are to be planted out next week and the fences are coming down inside the farm boundary, with repairs being done to the perimeter fences as well (there's that boundary issue again). So rolls of excess barbed wire are being stacked up in storage for another day, with open paddocks exposed across the farm. This will make mowing so much easier and get all the weeds and Rats Tale grass under control. And its amazing how beautiful the paddocks (that's a large field for any non Australian reader) actually look once they are mown short. I cant wait to see them once they are green again, without piles of hay everywhere.
Goats. Are now just too cute for words. Every morning I go out to put them out to pasture, and every night I return to put them back into their pens, piled high with soft dry hay from all that mowing we have done. They actually come up to me now and nibble my fingers in the morning, before I take them out - and walk on their leads really steadily as well. Ever tried to walk a goat on a lead?
But the best job accomplished this week has to be getting the internet back up and running on my computer along with getting the drone repaired. (Yeah who says I'm not a Comms Duty Officer!)
Not to stop me communicating with the world - blogging via my phone app was my work around last weekend. (Hence why it had so many "emojees".) Thus my problem solving acumen is still there with being able to juggle repairs for tractor, harvester, drone, computer and brush cutter. Just another symptom issue of ptsd being addressed and managed - the ability to juggle multiple stressors.
So watch out Black Cockatoos - the drone is back in action!!! Maybe we can take some live footage of chasing them out of orchard for next week! Hell yeah! Bring that one on!
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